If there’s one thing I’m not proud of, it’s my tendency to avoid being understood. As much as I write and talk about my dream of being seen and understood, a part of me actually resists the comfort that comes with being truly seen.
Growing up, I learned to pick up the pieces on my own, to stand strong no matter how heart-wrenching the situation. I knew that whatever I was going through would pass, so I chose to bottle up everything and let it out only when I was alone. I couldn’t show my fragile side because opening up and being vulnerable felt like it would only lead to misunderstandings and more problems, when all I really wanted was for someone to understand why I am the way I am.
With that being said, I became self-reliant, convincing myself that I didn’t need anyone else to understand me. If I kept my feelings to myself, I wouldn’t cause problems or inconvenience anyone. If I didn’t lean on others, I wouldn’t be left hanging.
While there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to be understood, there’s also a part that longs for connection. It’s the part that hopes for a day when the walls can come down, when I can let go of the fear of being let down, and when I can finally rely on someone without hesitation.
Until then, I’ll keep walking this path, holding on to the hope that one day, one day, I’ll find the strength to be understood, to put down my walls, and to speak out my thoughts.
